did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
