Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
