Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
