My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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