there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
