i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
