She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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