carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
