Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm at about main and main street
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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