Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
