I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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