Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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