I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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