He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
