You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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