I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
