upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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