if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
