RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
