Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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