dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
