I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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