I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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