Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
