Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
