areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
