Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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