you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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