Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
