She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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