I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I looked at my own cervix.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
