I wish my penis had an off switch
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
