He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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