How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I've blown a few things in my day
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
