why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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