I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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