mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
