haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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