Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i love accidental penises.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
