You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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