When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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