mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had sex on a roof
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
