I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
