It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Shame - the story of my life.
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