I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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