Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
