I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
