this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
