Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
