my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
