guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
