I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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