I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
and you fell through a lawn chair
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
