I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
