I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
