I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
