eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
