I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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